I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
