Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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