Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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