I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
