you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
