we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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