Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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