Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
