My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sober January is a disaster.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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