I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
