I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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