Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
