I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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