We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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