when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
