I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
