Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
