Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
