My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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