To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
