good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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