saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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