My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
