Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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