When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
