I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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