just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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