Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
