Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Rumble strips road head = magical
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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