The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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