ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
