Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
