I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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