I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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