I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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