dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
