After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
