sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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