i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
