so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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