lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
