I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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