the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I am one with the molecules
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
