I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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