that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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