Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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