I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She bit a glass in half.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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