i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i think my cat just said my name.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
