I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
