that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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