Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
