Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Pooping to opera.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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