they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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